Thursday, February 09, 2006

St. Andrews -the nauseating smell of nostalgia-

Sometimes it felt like my feet was stuck in chewing gum. At other times I was floating and I could see myself just above that tree outside the Union on Market Street . When the wind blew from the North Sea I could feel the chill down to the marrow of my bones. Medieval buildings in grey stone, black cobbled streets, red gowns. There was a white pebbled cross outside St. Salvator's Quad marking the spot where Patrick Hamilton was burnt at the stake during the Scottish reformation. St. Salvators' chapel in the background - a gothic monstrosity shrouded in a green light.They suffocate at nights. If you step on the cross you will fail your degree, people said.

2001-Swings by the pier in the green green grass - we used to run on the tarmac and sing Pulp songs ('First you let him in your bed now he's moved inside your head') -and Rachel always said it was a funy thing tarmac.There was a small fish and chip stall near the harbour. It was a closed harbour- the tide would come in and the fishing boats would sail. A pair of dirty swans under the small wooden bridge.

1999 English -EN1002 'So what is Hedda Gabler but a manipulative woman like all women?' asked the grey haired tutor-he was never made a Doctor- He was an old boy who 'd been to Oxford and they kept him in the department. After the tutorial he closed the door, smiled, asked me if I was French. No, me I am Greek I said. We were alone in the room-he was wearing a grey suit . There was a pause there, a sudden silence. I opened the door and ran down the creaking stairs laughing. Pictures of Dryden on the wall.

2000 Macbeth cast party Party at Bell street-Mary snogging Ian on the stairs. Dancing on Jess' lap never knew she was bisexual and then she stuck her tongue down my throat.But ,...but Jess...I mumbled I am not ...Later on that evening I looked outside the window.I could only see snow.

2002 A tiny room. I would watch the frost pile up at my window at night and shiver in my bed. A wooden desk, shelves that had been hastily superglued to the wall. Newspaper cuttings –clippings, flyers, postcards from St.Fransisco, Greek poems. We had five parties that year. We burned the living room carpet. I fell in love with a rugby player at our first party.The theme was 'Eastern promises'. Flowers in my hair - he told me I was the preetiest, the best ever and swung me round. His favorite book was 'The Outsider' by Camus. (I should have ran away there and then, but didn't) . He held on tight all night. It was off then, and then it was on, it was off it was on. One night he hit me really hard. He shoved me across the wall - I remember seeing the white Victorian door, the paint chipping, my face coming nearer. I heard my head banging on the wall. 'So this is what wood feels like' I thought for a split second as I felt my arm hitting the door.

'Every girl deserves a prince 'Sophie would say.'Yes Poly-fucking -Anna' I used to think and laugh. Sophie was blonde and beautiful and used to sing like an angel. Our other flatmate Mary (a blossoming alcoholic) would vacuum the house in her crumpled underwear with a fag in her mouth. She would shag a a different bloke every night (who the fuck did she sleep with this time we 'd say over breakfast when we had to share the table with some random). She drank like a fish. Grainne would shut herself off in her room - she didnt like noise, company .She hated all of it. Migraines, tons of migraines , a cloth on the forehead. Immersed in darkness for days on end.

2003 English EN3070 'You have a voice, a vision. Be true to your voice but never be blinded by it' the professor said. The tutorial was full of Americans that had come to live Thoreau's dream. (Civil disobedience in the Scottish countryside.)They were very earnest in their hiking boots.They spent most of their time listening to Bob's stories about chopping wood in Utah and looking for their glorious Scottish ancestry. 'Your writing is very fluid', the professor said. 'Now talk to us about the olive orchards little Greek girl.'


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Blogger averel said...

Nice, nice. Welcome back.

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Blogger beep beep said...

Τrol thank you

Averel ευχαριστω.Ακομα δεν εχω διαβασει Κοου.Νομιζω πως πρεπει να συμμορφωθω λιαν συντομως.Το ονειρο μου να τον βρω στ'Αγγλικα το εχω εγκαταλειψει παντως...

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Εχεις ψαξει ή απλά το λες; Νομιζω καπου το πετυχα (Παπασωτηριου;). Χωρις να ειμαι σιγουρος.

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Blogger beep beep said...

Δεσποινα thanks- νομίζω πως κατι τέτοια μικρά μέρη μένουν μαζί μας και μας 'στοιχειώνουν.Έχω 7 μήνες να γυρίσω Αγγλία και 1 χρόνο να πάω Σκωτία και κοντεύω να τρελαθώ.

Λοχία -σιχαίνομαι τη νοσταλγία.Αλλά καμιά φορά...

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Street -ευχαριστώ και περαστικά και πάλι.hope you are feeling good

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Arhisa na se diavazo prin ena mina shedon. Gelasa poli me to the Drugs do work (Oh, how they work! And I want Denzel too!). K ena vradi arga, shedon ximerone, feeling low and lonely, how bloody cliche, diavasa ola ta posts. Vurkosa me to puzzle ston aera, harika me to vroum vroum, tsitosa me to kolopedo.Ti orea grafis! Ine i proti fora pu diavazo kapio blog me tetia prosilosi. Elega oti afta ine gia atomakia me spirakia pu den exunt ipota alo na kanun sti mizeri zoula tus. Afto edo gia to St Andrews... Wow! Idika afto to it was on, it was off me tsakise. Niotho sa na se xero. Sa na me xeris k esi. Vlakies... Ti tha skeftis gia mena? Sigura tha pistepseis oti ime kamia psycho stalker or somethiung... Telos pandon... Ime Aglia edo k shedon 5 hroniak etimazome na giriso Ellada ton Oktovri. Ton telefteo kero mu lipi i Ellada. Hristugena gnorisa kapion stin Athina k ine i proti fora pu niotho oti kapios me agapai gia afto pu ime. K tora, ta ra raaaa (trumpets), the fucked up part, as you made me realize, pu telika den ine toso spania ute toso fucked up, giati afta simvenun k se alo kosmo k ohi mono se mena, opos pali you made me realize. Here it is... Iha mia megali shesi, i proti sovari mu shesi, pu kratise 3 hronia k it ended a year ago. Akoma milao me ton proin mu. We woz at the same uni, don't ask me where, it's a small Greek world, out there. My darling little ex ton apokalo k gelame. Ine se ali poli tora. He says I am his best friend and he is my best friend and he'll always be there for me. K ego etsi tou leo. We'll always be there for each other, little darling. K leme oti ine klitera pou xorisame,giati den pigene alo, itan i sinthikes teties, eftegan i peristaisbut we'll always be friends .K apo tin ali xerume k i dio oti it's over. Me perni k mu lei ti kani, me rotai ti kano, gelao me tis istories gia tis nees tu gomenes, k ego tu leo ta dika mu nea. Gelame. Antalasume pola aaaahs! k ooohs! How nice. I am very happy for you. Ma kamia fora me kani halia me ta provlimata tu. K me kani na esthanome exisu halia otan tu leo oti den eho hrono na ton akuso. Diskola to klini otan theli na mu pi kati. Ala, opos su ipa, ego sinehizo na thelo na tu leo ta nea mu. Pos pernao. Ti simveni sti zoi mu. Eki, kolimeni sti "filia", anapolontas sixna ta good parts. A silly picknick on a smelly blanket in Regent's Park. Eating messy pancakes on Brighton Pier. A sunrise somewhere over East Anglia, the sound of sea gulls overhead, my teeth chattering like a typewriter. The way we swayed when we first met at a friend's party and then spent the night chatting over the kitchen sink. Giati ta thimame akoma ena hrono meta? Xero oti ehi teliosi. K isos tora na vlepo ta lathi mu, pu isos na min itan pote dika mu, ala etsi na pisteva. Akoma na katalavo. Nai, he's English, nai, kamia fora methuse k me evrize (Greek cunt, daddy's little rich bitch kai tetia), nai, me htipise mia dio fores, violent sproximata (like your rugby player!), hastuki sti muri ena vradi pu den ton afina na bi sto aftokinito, ekso apo mia pub, pu tin epefte se mia servitora, brosta mu. Heavy make up over the red streaks. Tin ali mera ekane ton anideo, elege oti den thimate tipota, no, it's impossible, I'm so sorry, I'll never do it again, please don't leave, please forgive me. Den ton paratisa. Akoma thimono me ton eafto mu. Imun toso erotevmeni? Mipos gustara kiolas pu vrika to mastora mu? Mipos na tu kunitho ligaki na ton valo sti thesi tu? Tetia katinistika... A, k kitage sinehia ales gomenes k meta mu elege oti den xeri giati to kani, then again maybe it's me who is insecure, there's no harm in looking. It's nothing. Stop being such a pain, elege, otan tu elega poso me enohli. K meta ego ton dikeologusa, ithela na rufao tis dikeologies tu san ilithia. I kept going back fro more. Eksafanistike 2 fores. He needed time to think, he said later. Pernuse kapia prosopika provlimata k den iksere na ta antipetopisei. Den iksere pos na mu to pi. Den ithele na me fortosi provlimata. I didn't want you to hate me. Please understand how I felt. K ego prospathisa na figo mia fora. Tria hronia on and off, se lipes bretanikes polis... Mexri pu katalava(me?) oti den pigene alo, den andeha(me?) pia k mia mera ton keratosa, arhika ute ki ego xero giati. K meta apofasisa(me?) na horisume. I plaka ine oti k o proin mu me keratose akrivos tin idia epohi... Itan i proti fora, mu ipe. I sensed that you were getting ready to leave me, so that's why I did it. To help us put an end to all this. Ton pistepsa. Iha k ego ti folia mu leromeni, vlepis. Iha pai fieldtrip stin Evropi. K o epomenos gomenos apodihthike insecure malakas, mu ekane ti zoi patini sti sinehia. Paraligo na haso ena examino. Hiroteros. Ok, aftos itan Amerikanos, k i via mono psihologiki tulahiston. Pio ipuli. Me paratise k meta etrehe piso mu. Epesa sta mutra sto sex and drugs and rock'n'roll, bas k sineltho. K fisika, my darling little ex was there for me and still is, akoma k tora pu ime me to neo mu erota. Pai enas hronos pu horisame me ton darling ex k sinidotopiisa oti ton pira tilefono akrivos (shedon) to idio vradi apo tin epetio tu horismu mas, xtes, pu molis iha girisi spiti apo to aerodromio. Ta ra raaa (more trumpets), iha molis apoheretisi to filo mu, pu ihe bi se ena aeroplano na mu kani ekplixi, epidi tu elega oti imoun stenahorimeni, mu elipe k den andeha tin piesi sto panepistimio k eklega sinehos sto tilefono. Tora pu to skeftome, iha gini roba. Pia? Ego roba? To hirotero ine oti arhizo k katalveno oti otan ime me ton kenurgio filo mu, kamia fora thimame ta palia k xsepao pano tu horis na to katalavo k tsandizome otan ekinos andidra. Tu leo oti den eho tipota k na min me piezi. Den tu eho pi oles tis leptomeries gia ton darling ex giati fovame ti tha mu pi pu sinehizo na tu milao -me ehi pari o darling ex brosta tu arketes fores opote xeri oti milame akoma. Kamia fora niotho oti xeri ta panda k perimeni apo mena na tu to po. Beep, me ekanes na skefto. Den xero ti na po, ti na kano. Mipos afto pu kratao ine i orees anamnisis, afta pu eniosa, to pathos, i entasi, to komati tis zois mu k ohi o idios o darling ex? Giati den leo tin alithia sti nea mu agapi? K tu kano sinehia katinies. Fovame toso poli mi girisei kapia mera k mu pi "giati mou eleges psemata? giati milas akoma me afto to *** k trehis sinehia piso tu san xazi? Fevgo!" k apo tin ali, me ton darling ex legame na vrethume gia ena diimero sto Londino, work load permitting, just to catch up. Na mu pi ti kani, na ton do, na tu po gia to neo mu erota... Mipos den ton eho xeperasi akoma? Mipos, san ilithia, thelo, kai kala, na tu tripso tin eftihia mu sti muri, na tu dixo poso iperano k taftoxrona storgiki ime? Oti epitelus ton xeperasa?
Sorry... sou egrapsa ena katevato. So no no for internet etiquette. Tora sigura tha skeftis oti ime mia paranoid psycho. To blog sou ine toso omorfo. Perimeno neo post me agonia!

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Blogger beep beep said...

Dearest Anonymous,
Δεν ξέρω πότε άφησες το comment -τώρα το είδα-σιγά μην σε περάσω για psycho stalker.Έχουμε πιο πολλά κοινά απ' όσα νομίζεις(τώρα είμαι εγώ η psycho)- μου θύμισες πολλά και διάφορα.
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